25 March 2009
burying the dead. burying your head. sedation/sedition. wondering, wonder in what comes next. folding and holed in. holding you is the best of all things. but also better, too; we two. but don't say it just like that. a reflex. check me out, check me in. an impatient outpatient. a viral infection, a rival in affection. all my eggs in one basket case. insomnia in some near hiding place. a hiding face. look me in the eye. well, healed, well-to-do, well-heeled. out in the sunshine again. spinning in the sky.
12 July 2008
fighting uphill. this aimless ames game. in this scission, cleave. me alone. fighting, a pill. the nights are the worst. she doesn't remember. a glass half missing. a climbing climate, this private primate. amongst the kill; a ghost, aghast. the glass half passed. memories of your being, still. first things first. we came here once to lay the foundation, but now let us lay down, apart. divided by walls. unsightly remains, this glass. half broken. empty from the start.
16 June 2008
a destruction of order, a perfect crash. resisting nothing. a part, taken. splayed, dismayed. a tearing sensation, each nerve in turn. each nerve in, turning. diselation. entirely self taut. distraction potential. hoping, coping. too many miles to make a difference. failing in love. the undovetailor. running and running and running. in this array, a disarray of light. a one sided one mirror like one ocean; here dark, they're happier now. and i am gone.
28 April 2008
leaving soon. this state; these affairs. a door that isn't made of anything. the underside of undecided, still, without choosing. a recent recentering, flawlessly floored. setting off the flares. a feeling of losing hope of late. scratching to come back in. snatching at shed skin, she has eaten her fill. sentimental bruising. life inside this cartoon. anything goes; the door is closing.
08 February 2008
ones follow ones. feelings i had once, a face i had forgotten. inflictions past and passed off in fictions. in which we just got on, with things, in part. apart, to play. this place. i will always burn my fingers making tea. this alteration of me. that rocking chair, a distance hard to reconcile, impossible to repair. my head held high. my firefly. ones become zeroes with a new one. unity passed over, gone. what can i say? here goes.
10 December 2007
if i had time other than to mourn my loss, still i might not. her face disappears from me one colour at a time, sinking red, no longer smiling blue. this is all i wanted of you. what was i thinking. lost into the water. inside and out. and in time, another, injured in the same and different way. it was the fall that caught her. my face disappears from her, one colour at a time. i cannot stay, pretending. in sighs and doubt. putting you where i should be. in this ending.
22 November 2006
i'm aging. imagine. here today, here tomorrow. medication/meditation. ici aujourd'hui, demain aussi. drawing to a close, fighting tooth and claw. nothing that i didn't borrow. a king no more. je m'habille, c'est facile; the epitome of me, an answered call, this strangest thing. if you cannot be here then i become an image of the things i dare to show. it isn't kind. je sais, you say. i know. i know. a script to say. repeat/defeat. one more fall. leaving home again; the leaves are stripped away.
09 October 2006
blinding light; blinding dark. high marks. modes, medians, means to ends. window (un)dressings. gray sky blue. to undo. undue affection. new additions. excess and lack. black spaces. empty spaces, empty faces, chairs, words. today's cuts and tomorrow's scars. gloves and scarves. a carpet of oak leaves, of tea leaves, of leavetakings. time's funnel—the end at the end of the tunnel.
22 April 2006
a break of the skin; a faltering, a falling in. love is no disease. a disjointed appointment, emotion/commotion. each thought of her rushes to be next in line. this is my contentment, my confinement, the cell i made for myself. to bleed, divine; i forget that i fell. going nowhere first. among equals, this/i will/am last. i cannot fail to hope to please. in this cage i am unsurpassed. this ersatz jail. the me she sees.
13 April 2006
in no man's land we teeter. we are fleet of feet. athletes; there is nothing here to conquer, to mark with flags. no defender, no splendour, riches/rags. every direction the same. a game in our brain, masculine/mescaline. the spider inside me salutes you, sir. you thrill me. is there nothing you cannot love? a crime. passion/possession. you laid here, lied here, made songs amid the shards. you make the melody, i say the words. guilty claws draw the music close until the bombs falter. kill free. this pause; time waits for an island. these shores, this land.
28 March 2006
things falling apart. a wet paper bag. depreciation. age of rust. a frayed knot. packet loss. exponential decay. friction. the bathtub curve. entropy winning in closed systems. cascading failure. the dark at the end of the tunnel. heatdeath. light, static, laugh track. backtrack. loopback. backspace. uppercase, lowercase, case in point, pointlessness. lessness. less, more, less. everything to one, to zero, to nothing, to
01 February 2006
staple. the need, the necessity. the bond beyond glue. the it, the main sans sides. keeping it together. maintainence of order by you-shaped design. printed pages pointing, leading to the thought. the theory, the focus fastened down. the basics to sustain dependence. the core, the root, the key. a heliocentric universe...and a me-o-centric me.
11 January 2006
incision, indecision, in sleeping, we lie. the blade is dulled by dreams in which you never die. morning/mourning. the dream is the malady, waking restores the world. beauty. unflustered, unfurled. shaking in her arms. whispering your secrets, softening the blows. hear me, here. unspin my lies. separate/concentrate/dissipate. you are everything i know. without you i cannot tell the night and day; daylight is your disguise. you have stolen my watch. my soul. my eyes.
27 November 2005
a rose that opens; morning dew. sublime. sublimation/suffocation. i am filled by you. limits, where there were none. no end to the blue. inspect. expect. inadequate secrets, spoken, kept. misuse. disuse. this you cannot free. bitter but better. limits broken, spoken, gone. a rose that closes; no morning sun, no shine.
15 October 2005
symmetry: a paper clip butterfly: symmetry. a catchy phrase, a whispered jest, a quote out of context; thinly veiled lies. spies. smiles and cries. heroes and champions (failed and retired). monopoles and monopolies. sequences and series. accumulated value; worth. valuing worth. something worth valuing. valiant work. networks. words. spin. a coupling. a couple. first contact. an introduction. intervention. imperfection. imperception. asymmetry. a symmetry.
11 October 2005
love. the feeling right before, and after. a momentary loss of traction. the sake of sparks in laughter, in step, infraction. falling in love/line. the marks we made; suspended, we breathe. if you find it first, bury it for me to find. tilting/escape. return. the end of the river. quench. quoracy. i outvote myself, i win again. i lost you i found you i lost you i wanted you so much but i was wrong. to do so. deflect/defend. distended. ended over and over. the forest floor in which we lost. each other. the other lover. and i.
24 August 2005
love and flowers. one in three hundred sixty five/six aren't great odds. turn it up. loud. survey of smiles; nothing compares. completely untouchable. independent of was and then. living, present tense, utterance. pregnant pause. elation; pleasure intensified. under the skirt of beauty; beyond the scent of life, truth. universal feeling unwritten in every language. plain plane. as is. always.
23 August 2005
progress. digression. another lesson learned and nothing gained. inevitability, the march of time. the time of march. ides/ideas. never unplanted, never unsown. tranquility belies activity. interchangability; unseen/unknown. this dripping tap, this tapping drip. inescapability, innocence, inside. new beginnings do not replace old ones. succession. an unnatural order of things.
22 May 2005
unknowns, unknowables. truth, theories, lies. abandoned/forgotten shoes in the sun. beauty asleep in the sun in the park. the visible effects of the unseen wind. continuous/discrete, continuity/discretion. black symbols on white paper, black birds in blue sky, black shadow on green grass. cat's eyes in headlights (white on black). vectors. maximum volume and open ears. the feared insufficiency of one's best. a lengthening shadow. the first star i see tonight. inexpressible fear.
31 January 2005
fever and chills and swollen glands. a list, a listlessness. keys public and keys private. books, shoes, a worn-out shirt, and love; comfort as an increasing function of age. vividness and fear, and flippancy (quandaries trivialised) and karma. fourteen hundred million ones and zeroes, paper and ink, and potential. rejection. randomly accessed memories. internal consistency, good and otherwise. disclosure. and closure.
04 January 2005
a lack of friction and an excess of speed. collisions, breakdowns; things not merely unexpected but altogether unimaginable. a numbness in the extremities. derelicts. the dregs. the doldrums. chemicals; muons, gluons, photons, leptons, persons--things quantised, polarised, discrete and countable. things visible to the unaided eye. the visible naked i. midnight moonlight on mountain; the briefest belief in gaia. the fog that subjectively defines the universe. subjection. definition.
09 December 2004
a stone dropped in deep water; resultant results resulting. the tallest building in the skyline, reflected by rain on the street while the wind distorts the signal. reflections and rotations. things lost in the carpet, the wind, translation. chemicals in a carefully maintained imbalance. codes. numbers in sequence; secrets. shadows and lights. four walls holding one bed, one lamp, two sleeping figures, two transcendental minds, two convergent dreams. obstacles. absolute precision. vagueness. vagaries.
01 December 2004
segues: from nothing to nothing important. birds on wires on poles in holes in earth. earth/Earth and other small but important differences. old tires on new pavement at constant velocity; pleasant accompanying white noise. unintended consequences. ciphers enciphered and broken deciphers. the power of breaking things and the greater power of fixing. fixes. powers of sixes. mere powers; mere impotence. the importance of everything. opiates. masses. mass. sufficient mass. mass.
04 November 2004
an exit and a return to this black on white on grey. you; you children of stunted development; you titans of body and midgets of mind. results and lacks of results and insufficient data for a meaningful answer. sheets and blankets. the magic of words, and strings, and strings of words. meaning, misunderstanding, misunderestimation. the turing-church hypothesis self-applied. self-serving selflessness. casualty of causality. the effect of music on temperament. calories, joules, ergs. urges.
31 May 2004
nouns, nouns, nouns--a repeated theme. things bottled. things bottled up. deception, subtlety (burlap and silk). expression. existence. eclipses. ellipses. compulsive obsession, obsessive compulsion. combustion. compaction. convulsion. condemnation. correlation. mathematics of: unrestricted basic variables; iterations; computational details; optimality and feasibility; artificial starting solutions; methods; phases; degeneracy; infinity. all of it utter blasphemous nonsense. related ideas. ideas.
29 May 2004
old flowers in new arrangements. the smallest raindrops in the world. freight train men. engineers, diesel engines, engines of logic. the perceived battle of the sexes. collections. a doomed ming vase. blatant foreshadowing. a pregnant pause. soft carpet to balance the cold walls. an anniversary. troubling times. twine and twig. coziness, (simultaneously) loneliness. prime numbers, prime movers, prime causes. unspeakable urges. impossibilty. imperfection.
26 May 2004
singsong songs sung. cost and worth, both merely perceived. things received through post. ones deceived. things to believe, things to remember, things to do, things regretfully never done. wealth and lack. cold unwarranted detachment. the incessant telephone (a chain by any other name...). circularity. light switches and dark switches and just plain switches. a universe of ends. the first star I see tonight. simplicity. emergence. catharsis. related nonsense.
22 May 2004
frequently asked questions. lack of moonlight, lack of starlight, overabundance of sodium light. lava in a glass tube. finding something without knowing it was missing. backslashes and backspacing. burned-out bulbs and the speed of dark. subjunctives. subjection, objection, injection. obsession with details. feelings and other irrationalities. differentials. night approaching midnight. possession. immeasurable velocity.
19 May 2004
monsters of rubber, steel, glass. a journal, anything, with potentially infinite potential. light: sources and sinks. the rotation of everything. fascination. the sky. two cats outside, audible but invisible. little green pieces of paper. weapons of the future. copulation breeding population. satellite dishes. bits of unnoticed toothpaste. tools. stools. growing smaller and other contradictions. the world growing smaller and younger. youth. apathy. something more calm. something less.
17 May 2004
the slow passage of time. two pillows, one atop the other, perfectly aligned. water vapor condensing in the most unexpected of places. obsessive compulsion. the ability to laugh at oneself. a lawnchair and an armchair. too many flowers for my one windowbox, not enough windowboxes for my one city. diamonds in the rough. a day too breezy and not bright enough. misunderstanding. understanding. a false, accidental rainbow sprung from the glass on the table. other falsities. near-truth.
16 May 2004
forgetfulness. capsules and shot glasses of sleep. the anonymity of a shower, set in the complete frankness and vanity of a bathroom. sheepskin rugs protecting feet from cold wood floor. briefcases pulling men toward work. semantics. some antics. great unknowns. lies, damn lies, and statistics. a frog in a clogged gutter. mating for life. the sunrise I can't remember and the sunset I can't see. sleeping: a dizzy haze of uncertainty. waking up: remembrance.
two sleepy eyes. an honest mirror. children on scooters. a gas station and ridiculous numbers. evidence of alcohol and love in that order. contact solution. a slight fuzziness about the edges. books and books and books -- so much empty paper. further evidence. a slow river in the slow rain. red hair. plates in the sink. one orphan poker chip. words, context. insight. sight.
insomnia. wallet digging into bloodflow. one stapler and the same number of staples. kitsch, somehow everywhere on these equally repulsive walls. light and sound attacking in waves. absence of defence. defense. fence. white picket fense. needles in stacks of needles. receipts. grass long since dead. a crumpled paper cup. rain outside. white, grey. straight lines. motion.
15 May 2004
slippers. a digital watch. mirrors, mirrors, mirrors. running and getting nowhere. the telephone that never rings anyone anymore. untidy sleep in an untidy shirt in an untidy bed. bullseyes and strikeouts; mixed metaphors. one-way windows on the soul. means and ends and accidental paths between. fenceposts catching leaves, leaves catching wind, wind catching all there is. hybrids. a ringing in the ears. spring. continuances.
14 May 2004
logic. a man, a briefcase, polished pate and two polished shoes. the post office that looms enormous. shadows. street. horizon. fine cuisine. flat floor, freshly waxed and ready to be dirtied. closed eyes. clocks. a single postcard. the place on the wall where the previous owners' crucifix prevented sun-bleach. dust. limits and continuity. beginnings.